Let me choose
by lilibel
Summary: Helena Higgins, daughter of Bellatrix Lestrange. She just wants to choose her life, not to let the other decided. But can she? Songfic OS


"Breaking The Habit"

My first fiction in english.

Let me explain the situation.

Bellatrix had a girl a bit before going to Azkaban. And YES for me Blaise is a girl ;;

The story is mine and only Helena is mine because all the other stuff belong to you know who.

It's a song fic, based on the Linkin Park song "Breaking the Habit"

As I'm french, forgive some grammar mistakes.

And sorry for the probably messed up presentation, I'm not in the mood to undo "enter" tonite

* * *

Her mother had written to her. At last, she was thinking while running to her dorm so she would be in a quiet place to read the letter she had been waiting for months.

Helena Higgins, nearly 15 years old and quite a pain in the ass if one had asked Draco what he was thinking of her. She was born as a Lestrange, soon adopted by the Higgins family when her mum was sent to Azkaban. She never really tend to know her. Only saw her face on pictures. But she was her mum, the one who gave her birth. The Higgins always tried to speak about Bellatrix as a nice woman, they always told her what she wanted to hear about her mum, without knowing that when she was going at the Malfoy's Manor during holidays, she was told the true self of Bellatrix.

For months now her mum escaped from Azkaban and there wasn't a day without Helena to hope having some news from her. She was hoping she once will be able to take her mum into her arms, to call her mum, not in her dreams this time.

« My dear Helena,

My sweet daughter of mine. I'm sorry I didn't write sooner.

I was told you were waiting for me to write you. I also was told you were a great girl, doing good at school even if you seem to like having fun like I used to when I was still in school. I won't ask you much, just to go with Draco next week-end. I'll be there and can't wait to see you and to make you meet the only one one can trust actually. We will then speak. I love you. Mum. »

She read this letter a thousand time before hearing her dorm mates coming back from lunch. She hid it under her pillow and grabbed the first book near her.

During this day, as she was running down the corridor to go to her class she jumped on Draco, telling him he sweet he was, that he was deserving to end up with a nice cute boy.

She also did a new haircut to Pansy, told Snape he was smelling like the gravy at Malfoy's when Narcissa was trying to cook…. Even the 4 hours of detention she collected didn't make her lose her smile and happiness.

The week went by and Saturday was only at his beginning but Miss Helena Higgins was ready to leave with Draco.

She was tap dancing while waiting for him to come.

« Damn Helena ! Just stop please ? » he asked with some puppy eyes. It was the desperate look he was always giving her when he was just fed up with her attitude. Helena was Bella's daughter, and she was looking like her even in her attitude toward the others. She was crazy.

Her only answer was to stick out her tongue in a little girl attitude.

He rolled his eyes and they left to the Manor.

Seeing her mum was just great, perfect, wonderful.

Bella seemed to have suffered from her treatment at Azkaban but she was there.

In Helena's arms.

Both had this genuine smile, the one every one was having after such an event.

Saturday was a family day. A day were only remembrances had a place. Helena this, Helena that ….

While heading to bed Helena was what one could call a happy girl.

Even if she knew that the next day would be quite different.

Bella was believing in this man. In this wizard. In the one called You-know-who, The Dark Lord or whatever.

Helena didn't know. She never met him, only heard of him. She knew some like Draco had the ugly tattoo. But she didn't know what to think about all this. Were muggles that bad ?

When she was in Beaux-Batons she had a few muggle friends and she always had fun with them. She even went to what was called a mall. She wasn't quite sure to be ok with the Dark Lord. But she was young and nobody would as her to become a deatheater before one or two year. Enough to think about all this.

While she was falling into Morphee's arm, she felt her mum's hand curling her hair and her lips kissing her forehead.

She smiled and fell asleep.

On the next morning it was like they were going to meet the muggle Queen.

Everybody was well dressed, but the black thingy they were wearing was just…well… ruining the whole stuff.

She met him.

Told him that no, not know, that she wasn't ready entering his Court for the moment.

She wasn't understanding why the fact her mum, dad, uncles, aunts and cousins were deatheater meant that she necessarily must be one herself.

She then argued with her mum.

She had to hear her say that she had just pissed off the Lord.

"Mum! I'm not even 15 yet. I'm a teenager. You maybe don't know but one of teens mission is to piss adults off. Just give me one or two year. I can't decide now. I'm too young."

"Helena. Be nice and go tell him how sorry you are. You're right. You're too young."

"Sorry for what? For being honest? And thanks understanding me mum."

"Come with me. I'll speak."

"And you will say what?"

" That you are too young to decide by yourself. That as I'm your mum, I'm gonna decide for you. After all, you're my daughter and I know what's good for you."

She left from this place with a desperate need to vomit and to cry her anger.

She had to tell him she would spy for him.

She had to tell him how sorry she was for her previous acting.

She had to kiss his robe.

She left school with an urge to kiss her mum, she was leaving the Manor with an urge to keep herself away from this crazy blond woman.

He didn't tattoo her because she was still a young lady who loved to dress with tiny top and such but he told her to come back in a year or two and she would then become a complete deatheater .

When she came back the next Monday, she was dizzy, had the head of someone who know he will soon be dead.

She who was always getting on someone nerves was the quietest girl ever.

The week went by as if she was transparent.

She was knowing that the week-end will be at the Manor and she was just not willing to go there.

It was Friday night.

She just made a report for the one she had to consider as her saviour when he was just the one pushing her through the edge.

She was sitting on her bed, alone in the room. She was hearing the sound of the others having fun downstairs.

She was only thinking about her hope and what happened less than a week ago.

She took her secret suitcase and put her headphone on her ears.

What muggles called a Discman was a great invention.

She pressed play and let the music enter her head and body.

_Memories consume_

_Like opening the wound_

_I'm picking me apart again_

_You all assume_

_I'm safe here in my room_

_Unless I try to start again_

She opened her eyes, singing along with the singer, feeling that this song could be her's.

She stepped out of the bed and walked to the large window.

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_'Cause inside I realise_

_That I'm the one confused_

Her eyes met her clothes in the drawer.

She closed them, trying to escape to the thinking she was just having.

She wanted to leave.

To run somewhere, anywhere. Where nobody could find her.

She had see him. Now she was in touch with this world, now she knew his face, she was no longer secure here. Even in Hogwart. She had to run away. To go as far as possible.

Far from her mum.

Far from what she had put too much expectation into.

But she was her mum doesn't she?

She just…

Didn't know.

She wasn't knowing anything anymore.

"I HATE YOU"

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

She wanted to tell her mum she loved her.

She wanted, she wanted…. She wanted everything to be normal.

She wanted to kill this bitch who wanted to rule her world.

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

She went back to her bed. She put her body like she was dying, her arm along her body, her lips and eyes closed.

She was pale. She always have been. Her blondeness and ivory skin always made her look sick. Like she was eternally sick. She once had wanted to be black haired, like Bella. It wasn't the case at this very moment.

She was breathing slowly, trying to make her heart beat going slower.

She wasn't herself in this world.

And even if suicide wasn't quite the kind of death her family was into…

_So I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

It was nice in a way.

Feeling everything going slower than usually.

A smile came upon her face, the kind of smile one have when he knows it will be all peaceful once away from there.

"Helena!"

Jeez someone was knocking on her the dorm door.

Impossible to be alone in this place!

"Helena! Come downstairs, Blaise is doing a strip!"

_Clutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_I try to catch my breath again_

_I hurt much more_

_Than anytime before_

_I had no options left again_

She had to go downstairs.

Blaise doing a strip wasn't something to miss, even if she was taking the road to heaven, or to hell, she didn't really know which one she would be put in.

She jumped out off bed, catching her breath again, it was painful to feel the air going back into her lungs.

She opened the door, and followed Pansy.

This girl was hot.

Not Pansy, Pansy was… casual.

No, Blaise.

She was the hotty one. She was a totally crazy girl. Not really the same as herself. She was another sort of crazy girl. But still, she was sexy.

And she was stripping in the middle of the common room.

She was watching her move, and she smiled.

She was dancing on a stupid French song but it was another song Helena was whispering.

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_'Cause inside I realise_

_That I'm the one confused_

Did she really want to die?

Or what she really needed was just to quit this place, to go and live with muggles?

She just…didn't know.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_And say what I don't mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be alright_

_So, I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

The guys were starting to put some bucks in Blaise bikini.

The night was going to be long.

She will have the time to think what was good.

Die for good?

Or just quit the place?

Or even faking her death so she could leave free with no one looking for her.

_I'll paint it on the walls_

_'Cause I'm the one at fault_

_I'll never fight again_

_And this is how it ends_

Juliet.

Unless she was having no Romeo.

But who cares?

She had to find a potion before tomorrow morning.

So she left the scene where Blaise had just took off the top.

She ran through the corridors.

Ran until she was into Snape's classroom.

She wasn't smart for nothing.

She took what was needed and ran back to her dorm.

Everyone was still downstairs.

Seems Dray was following Blaise example.

An hour later, the potion was ended.

The liquid was a little bit blue. It was smelling like an old pair of knickers forgotten under the bed for months.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_But now I have some clarity_

_to show you what I mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I'll never be alright_

_So, I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_I'm breaking the habit_

_Tonight_

She wasn't really breaking the habits. She was a Lestrange after all. And a sly.

None of them were attempting suicide.

She was half attempting one.

In two days she would be away.

Seems running far from someone or something was a family habit.

But being a deatheater was also a habit.

And she was breaking it.

The liquid entered her body, runned through her veins.

She felt the cold enter her mind.

She just had the time to make the bottle disapear and she collapsed on the floor.

A smile on her face.

While downstairs the party was not ending

"_Ce matin j'imagine un pays sans nuage, Où tous les perroquets ne vivent plus en cage,_

_Des jaunes, des verts, des blancs,_

_Je fait ce qu'il me plaît,_

_Car c'est comme ça que j'imagine le monde parfait._"

* * *

The last song sentences are taken from Ilona Mitrecey stupid song.

Dunno how one can strip on it. Just unconceivable.

Hope you liked the fic.

And comment please ;;

lili


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